Now, I know you’ll be wondering why this post is called the “3rd interview” when in the last post I told how Id been given the job. Exactly my thinking when I turned up for 10am (David Coulson again told me to) to hear the words ‘3rd interview’ mentioned in passing!!
First stop was filling in another form. Music blaring yet again. I was then taken through to what must have once been a dance hall of sorts. In here there were around 20 people milling around in suits, no chairs, no tables, no desks, no anything other than 2 large white boards, a wallmounted cd player and, unbelieveably, a massive circular strobe light, a didgeridoo, a bell and horn.
We went through “the system” again, several times, taking more notes. Then off to David Coulsons real office where myself and the other poor sod they reeled in were talked through were briefly summarised a large information pack.
This is where I found out somethings that had conveniently been ignored:
* You were self employed.
* You kept 60% of what you earned, the other 40% being kept in a ‘bond’ for 5months, then you get it. If you meet the targets.
* David Coulson could fire you at any time without any written or verbal warning.
* You pay for your own travel.
* You work 12hrs a day, 5days a week, and 6hrs on a saturday. 66hrs per week!!
* You cant work for the Red Cross within 3months of working for Coulson Corporation!
* You get paid cash in hand infront of the other staff. David Coulson doesnt like banks, yet he asks for and takes your banks details (Thanks to Ashley for reminding me of this in her comment.)
When I asked what the ‘targets’ were, no one could tell me. Just vague answers then back to ‘the system is amazing, its just great’.
I though this was all a bit strange, but none the less I wanted to try my best.
I was taken to my ‘leader’ again who told me to practice my pitch outloud. So I did. Several times. Not the most confident public speaker, I found this a bit hard but was getting the hang of it. Basically, i was starting to talk like David “robot voice” Coulson.
I write this now thinking of how weird it all was, but at the time it didnt even occur to me!! I am known for being hyper critical of everything, but for some reason this just didnt register to me until later that evening! This is why I want warn you all now about this scam!!! That way, hopefully you wont be brainwashed like I was!! And that really is what it is. Brain washing!!! Its like a god damn cult!
We got a really camp and over the top motivational pep-talk from the David Coulsons protégé. The protégé then screamed (and I mean screamed “are you ready Juice Monkeys!?” (Even in my brainwashed state I still thought ‘what the ****?’) After which everyone started shouting “juice juice juice” whilst clapping!! This was repeated several times. All the time, every member of the goup seemed unable to stand still; shuffling from foot to foot and fidgeting profously.
A few minutes later, David Coulson appears, grinning inanely as always and makes his way to the front of a small crown that was gathering around a white board. There, the nut began to read off a list of joblosses, failing companies, why uni will ruin your life etc etc whilst everyone took notes. As did I, not wanting to stand out. He then introduced me to the crowd with, what I thought, a strangley race related remark, to which they all cheered and clapped. The same followed for the other poor bugger.
After that, back to rehearsing the pitch (id read through it about 30 times by now. That is NO joke!), and readying to head to somewhere else id never heard of.
I followed my ‘leader’ around as we knocked on roughly 90 doors. Many of these poor people being ,what seemed to me, forced to donate just to get rid of us. It was here I found myself sympathising with a lot of the people we encountered as they tried to explain politely that it wasnt for them. (As I myself have done in the past). And as usual if they werent interested, they were aked if saving lives means even a little to them, and again if they didnt wish to donate, for whatever reason,they got nasty comments muttered about them, in some cases before the door had even closed!! It was awful!! I wouldnt have blamed some of them for giving the ‘leader’ a smack in the mouth!!!!
I spent the day asking the ‘leader’ questions about the company, the pay etc, and each time i was given a short vague answer then encouraged to practice my pitch again, whilst being reminded of how great the ’system’ works. The pitch being ‘the system’. The oh so great fantastic ’system’!! This went on from 2pm till around half past 8 that evening. Half past 8 being the cut off time for disturbing people in thier homes.
By half 9 we were back at the office, so far id been ‘at work’ from 10am till 9:30pm for no money at all. My ‘leader’ of course having made several ’sales’ because ‘the system works’ made some money, how much he again avoided answering directly. Somehow though, and I cant really explain how, shivering all day for no money didnt seem to bother me. In retrospect it makes me F’ing furious but at the time I didnt feel phased! I was more worried about the strobe light, the bell, the horn and the didgeridoo which the ‘leader’ kept mentioning as a great laugh!
Arriving at the office, as each of us came into the room, we were met with cheers and having our names being shouted at us! ‘Sickeningly positive people’ was the thought that passed through my head!
David Coulson asked me how it went so I said what I thought he wanted to hear. Which worked. By this point you see it was after 10 and all I could think of was what little sleep id be getting!
Then, the strangest most ****ing weird thing happened. David Coulson says in his totally fake, un-nerving voice: “If you come over hear theres a bit of a problem”. Now, he said this in a really jovial, youve won a trip to mexico voice again and led me to the CD player (off for once) “there doesnt appear to be any music on, lets see what we can do about that”. He grabbed a CD from a huge pile, put it on and turned around grinning his inane grin “Now thats better now isnt it” and patted me on the back.
All of a sudden, everyone (about 20-25 people) started clearing the floor and forming a circle. This is the weird bit which I dreaded. I ensure you this is completely true in every word and only upon researching it did i find that this seems to a ‘normal’ thing in the various related companies of Cobra, of which Coulson Corporation is a part!! I’ll post some links so you can see for yourselves!
The lights went out, and the strobe light came on and my ‘leader’ placed the bell, the horn and the didgeridoo in the centre of the circle. (I straight away wondered why no one checked if there was anyone suffering from epilepsy in the room) The strobe light was flashing and everyone was clapping, and the music was blaring. Then at an apparently random order and time, people would pick up one of the objects, throw it at the floor the high five everyone in the circle, all with the very loud music and constant clapping.
In total surprise to myself, I found myself joining in. I hate things like this, I wouldnt even get up and dance at Butlins as a kid, but here I was high fiving these poor brainwashed ’sales execs’!! I still cant believe I was even a part of that!!
On my way home, my partner called to see how the day went, but i could sense something was bothering her, but she wouldnt say.
I sat on the metro home, and I actually wondered for a second how i was so calm when Id be doing the ‘pitching’ the next day. A bit weird, i thought but maybe it was just my confidence growing.
At 11pm I got home, bearing in mind id left the house at 9am that morning and was due back in at 11am the next, where my partner told me why she was worried. And also that she thought I seemed funny or different. I thought it was just I was a bit tired or something, however…
Coulson Corporation, it turns out, is renowned all over the internet for brainwashing people into working 60+hr weeks for around £1 an hour on average and has been doing so for a very long time!!!! In the next post I will point everything out!!!!
